QUALITY OF LIFE POLICE
If you haven’t figured it out by now from reading this blog, there’s a lot of things in the world that really shred my cheese—yes, I mean things rub me the wrong way. Or as I like to politely put it, piss me off!
Listen, I’m one of the biggest champions of live and let live, but we have to get some stuff under control before we have mass killings in the street and no answers as to why these things happened. When you see a TV news reporter interviewing the confused neighbor of a man who just went ballistic, saying things like, “he seemed like such a normal guy,” you have to wonder what made that guy snap. Was he under serious life stress or did his satellite TV black out during a last second jump shot in a tie basketball game?
Years ago, there was a fantastic TV show starring Candice Bergen called Murphy Brown. It was a sitcom about a TV news magazine and the eccentric staff that worked it. On one episode, an impish, gun-wielding man holds the station hostage and demands he be put on the air so he can make a statement to the world. Near the end of the show, the TV studio decides, with much trepidation, to let him on the air. The angry man looks into the camera and tells the world that “the right line on the highway is for slow moving traffic and the left lane is for faster moving traffic.” Murphy looks at her work mate and says, “He’s got a good point.” Or something to that effect…
It’s a sitcom situation, but it’s really not that far off from being the truth. I’m sure there are tens of thousands of commuters who want to do the same thing every single day, yet realize that they’d probably go to jail for such a ridiculous act of violence for such a small problem. Comedian Louis CK calls them ‘White People Problems.’ One of his bits is him being annoyed on the phone to a customer service rep in India and complaining that his internet isn’t working. She responds “Oh yea? I haven’t had a fresh glass of water in 5 years—two of my children died on the way to work and I still came in, you piece of shit.”
Let’s face it—people are starving on this planet. There are bigger problems in the world. But that doesn’t make the small little problems we face every day less annoying and enraging. Yes we can put things in perspective once in a while, but there are times when we snap. Whenever I’m in the slow line at the grocery store, I think back to the long bread lines of the Great Depression, where people spent ALL DAY waiting for a crappy loaf of bread and think, “things aren’t so bad.” Then the old lady in front of me pulls out 57 coupons and I want to cave her skull in with a pack of frozen chicken legs.
But that’s just me. Maybe I’m a dick. I doubt any of you feel any different though. So I’ve put together a list of things we need to figure out to prevent us from going totally insane. I’m acting as the quality of life police and this is my list of fixes…
Listen, I’m one of the biggest champions of live and let live, but we have to get some stuff under control before we have mass killings in the street and no answers as to why these things happened. When you see a TV news reporter interviewing the confused neighbor of a man who just went ballistic, saying things like, “he seemed like such a normal guy,” you have to wonder what made that guy snap. Was he under serious life stress or did his satellite TV black out during a last second jump shot in a tie basketball game?
Years ago, there was a fantastic TV show starring Candice Bergen called Murphy Brown. It was a sitcom about a TV news magazine and the eccentric staff that worked it. On one episode, an impish, gun-wielding man holds the station hostage and demands he be put on the air so he can make a statement to the world. Near the end of the show, the TV studio decides, with much trepidation, to let him on the air. The angry man looks into the camera and tells the world that “the right line on the highway is for slow moving traffic and the left lane is for faster moving traffic.” Murphy looks at her work mate and says, “He’s got a good point.” Or something to that effect…
It’s a sitcom situation, but it’s really not that far off from being the truth. I’m sure there are tens of thousands of commuters who want to do the same thing every single day, yet realize that they’d probably go to jail for such a ridiculous act of violence for such a small problem. Comedian Louis CK calls them ‘White People Problems.’ One of his bits is him being annoyed on the phone to a customer service rep in India and complaining that his internet isn’t working. She responds “Oh yea? I haven’t had a fresh glass of water in 5 years—two of my children died on the way to work and I still came in, you piece of shit.”
Let’s face it—people are starving on this planet. There are bigger problems in the world. But that doesn’t make the small little problems we face every day less annoying and enraging. Yes we can put things in perspective once in a while, but there are times when we snap. Whenever I’m in the slow line at the grocery store, I think back to the long bread lines of the Great Depression, where people spent ALL DAY waiting for a crappy loaf of bread and think, “things aren’t so bad.” Then the old lady in front of me pulls out 57 coupons and I want to cave her skull in with a pack of frozen chicken legs.
But that’s just me. Maybe I’m a dick. I doubt any of you feel any different though. So I’ve put together a list of things we need to figure out to prevent us from going totally insane. I’m acting as the quality of life police and this is my list of fixes…
Telephone Customer Service
Have you ever waited a small eternity for a customer service rep, only to be disconnected and have to start the whole god-forsaken process again? I have. I think I almost blew my aorta the last time. So here’s a solution. If you’re on the phone for more than 5 minutes to customer service, it’s required by law that the company you’re calling takes your number and calls you back. If you’re disconnected, they call you back immediately. I’ve spent lifetimes on the phone, and the more technology we envelop, the more crap breaks and the more we need to talk to people on the phone to get it working correctly again. Children have been born and raised in the time I’ve spent on the phone waiting for a customer service representative to speak with. This one is essential.
Have you ever waited a small eternity for a customer service rep, only to be disconnected and have to start the whole god-forsaken process again? I have. I think I almost blew my aorta the last time. So here’s a solution. If you’re on the phone for more than 5 minutes to customer service, it’s required by law that the company you’re calling takes your number and calls you back. If you’re disconnected, they call you back immediately. I’ve spent lifetimes on the phone, and the more technology we envelop, the more crap breaks and the more we need to talk to people on the phone to get it working correctly again. Children have been born and raised in the time I’ve spent on the phone waiting for a customer service representative to speak with. This one is essential.
Car horns
The most abused item on the planet and one that has gone completely off the rails from its original intended use is the car horn. Some people use the horn like it’s a communication device along the lines of a Morse Code telegraph—pounding it to get your attention, bopping it when they pull into the driveway to signal for you to come outside, or to spew their road rage anger when they’re stuck behind you for a few milliseconds. So here’s a solution… Limited amounts of honks. When you honk your horn, it’s processed electronically in a computer center. If you honk more than 3 times in a row, it’s a $25 charge. If you do that more than 5 times in a month, you’re fined $100 and then $25 for every honk after that. This will hit the wallets of every asshole in the country.
The most abused item on the planet and one that has gone completely off the rails from its original intended use is the car horn. Some people use the horn like it’s a communication device along the lines of a Morse Code telegraph—pounding it to get your attention, bopping it when they pull into the driveway to signal for you to come outside, or to spew their road rage anger when they’re stuck behind you for a few milliseconds. So here’s a solution… Limited amounts of honks. When you honk your horn, it’s processed electronically in a computer center. If you honk more than 3 times in a row, it’s a $25 charge. If you do that more than 5 times in a month, you’re fined $100 and then $25 for every honk after that. This will hit the wallets of every asshole in the country.
Car Alarms
There is truly, without question nothing more obnoxious than a car alarm. It’s like nails on a chalkboard times 50. Especially at 3am. Car alarms in general should be banned. They’ve never worked, don’t work now and will never work in the future. It’s what Lojack, Onstar and satellite tracking systems are for. The modern car alarm is like a scarecrow in a cornfield—the one that usually has 27 crows sitting on it. Like the car horn, it needs a monitoring system at a processing facility. If we can’t ban them, then we need strict regulations on them. If your car alarm goes off more than once in an hour, it’s a $150 fine. If your alarm goes off while you are putting your keys in the car or sitting inside it while it’s idling, $500. If your car alarm goes off at 3am for no reason what-so-ever, anyone can light your car on fire without any questions asked.
There is truly, without question nothing more obnoxious than a car alarm. It’s like nails on a chalkboard times 50. Especially at 3am. Car alarms in general should be banned. They’ve never worked, don’t work now and will never work in the future. It’s what Lojack, Onstar and satellite tracking systems are for. The modern car alarm is like a scarecrow in a cornfield—the one that usually has 27 crows sitting on it. Like the car horn, it needs a monitoring system at a processing facility. If we can’t ban them, then we need strict regulations on them. If your car alarm goes off more than once in an hour, it’s a $150 fine. If your alarm goes off while you are putting your keys in the car or sitting inside it while it’s idling, $500. If your car alarm goes off at 3am for no reason what-so-ever, anyone can light your car on fire without any questions asked.
Doctor and Hospital Forms
Every doctors office and hospital should have the EXACT same forms to fill out so that you can simply print and bring all and any paperwork that you’ve filled out yourself at home. You can also have a flash drive or Hard Drive to carry the paper work so that the office can download it into their files immediately. This is something that many people have wanted for decades, and there have been various starts to trying to get it done, but it’s still a long ways away. There’s also been attempts to have health records placed in a universal database for easy access, but that seems ripe with complications (both technologically and morally) and even still it seems like it’s going to take forever to get accomplished. This has to be mandatory and it has to work across the internet and computer platforms. But since my insurance company can’t seem to fill a prescription without confusing me with endless paperwork, this hope already seems dashed.
Every doctors office and hospital should have the EXACT same forms to fill out so that you can simply print and bring all and any paperwork that you’ve filled out yourself at home. You can also have a flash drive or Hard Drive to carry the paper work so that the office can download it into their files immediately. This is something that many people have wanted for decades, and there have been various starts to trying to get it done, but it’s still a long ways away. There’s also been attempts to have health records placed in a universal database for easy access, but that seems ripe with complications (both technologically and morally) and even still it seems like it’s going to take forever to get accomplished. This has to be mandatory and it has to work across the internet and computer platforms. But since my insurance company can’t seem to fill a prescription without confusing me with endless paperwork, this hope already seems dashed.
Emergency Room/ Doctor’s Office Queues
There is almost nothing more daunting to hear or say than, “We have to go to the Emergency Room.” When you realize there is no avoiding it, it surely means an entire night of sitting in a stilted room on chairs from 1989 and staring at a tiny TV in the upper corner with random smelly strangers who’re in varying stages of crippling accidental body manglings. Get there at a bad time and you might as well plan on spending the entire night and maybe part of the morning. It’s BRUTAL! Emergency room visits are everyone’s nightmares—and it shouldn’t be. I went to the ER in Brazil for my son and we were in and out in 15 minutes. It was amazing! So a great solution (other than completely revamping the American Health Care system) would be to have an online Queue. Enter your name online for all none life-threatening ER visits and wait in the comfort of your home. Receive email alerts or text messages when you are 20 minutes to being seen. Bring your electronic paperwork with you. EASY!
There is almost nothing more daunting to hear or say than, “We have to go to the Emergency Room.” When you realize there is no avoiding it, it surely means an entire night of sitting in a stilted room on chairs from 1989 and staring at a tiny TV in the upper corner with random smelly strangers who’re in varying stages of crippling accidental body manglings. Get there at a bad time and you might as well plan on spending the entire night and maybe part of the morning. It’s BRUTAL! Emergency room visits are everyone’s nightmares—and it shouldn’t be. I went to the ER in Brazil for my son and we were in and out in 15 minutes. It was amazing! So a great solution (other than completely revamping the American Health Care system) would be to have an online Queue. Enter your name online for all none life-threatening ER visits and wait in the comfort of your home. Receive email alerts or text messages when you are 20 minutes to being seen. Bring your electronic paperwork with you. EASY!
Highway Accident Cleanup
This might be more of a vision of the future, but it should be here today. All car accidents on a major roadways should be airlifted by a giant helicopter. So when an accident occurs, the giant helicopter comes in, drops down an emergency crew (cleaning crew, medics, traffic cop etc.) and has the situation cleaned and under control within minutes. They airlift the victims, wreckage and the cleaning crew and have traffic moving at a normal rate in under 20 minutes. Every time I’m stuck in traffic for hours because of some tiny little accident, I feel like I’ve gone back in time 400 years. If we can build giant skyscapers in a few months and destroy countries with the click of a few buttons, there’s no reason why we can’t have this type of accident wreckage cleanup system.
This might be more of a vision of the future, but it should be here today. All car accidents on a major roadways should be airlifted by a giant helicopter. So when an accident occurs, the giant helicopter comes in, drops down an emergency crew (cleaning crew, medics, traffic cop etc.) and has the situation cleaned and under control within minutes. They airlift the victims, wreckage and the cleaning crew and have traffic moving at a normal rate in under 20 minutes. Every time I’m stuck in traffic for hours because of some tiny little accident, I feel like I’ve gone back in time 400 years. If we can build giant skyscapers in a few months and destroy countries with the click of a few buttons, there’s no reason why we can’t have this type of accident wreckage cleanup system.
Community Service
The last time I went to jury duty, I never saw so many able bodied and Fluent English speaking people pretend to be disabled and completely unable to comprehend even the simplest English command. They should of handed out Oscars that day because it was a show and it was absolutely pitiful. So, instead of forcing people to do jury duty, lie to get out, miss work and generally create misery among the masses, make people do a community service. If people don’t want to do jury duty (some people actually like doing it), force them to do at least 5 hours of community work in a array of categories: Reading to elderly, cleaning parks, cooking and feeding the homeless, caring for the sick etc. If they can’t do a simple service because they can’t speak or are hindered in some way, make them do something for the community. Some countries make you join the army for like two, three sometime four years! We whine about a few hours of community service, but it will probably do us all some good… Ok, maybe this one needs to be thought out some more.
The last time I went to jury duty, I never saw so many able bodied and Fluent English speaking people pretend to be disabled and completely unable to comprehend even the simplest English command. They should of handed out Oscars that day because it was a show and it was absolutely pitiful. So, instead of forcing people to do jury duty, lie to get out, miss work and generally create misery among the masses, make people do a community service. If people don’t want to do jury duty (some people actually like doing it), force them to do at least 5 hours of community work in a array of categories: Reading to elderly, cleaning parks, cooking and feeding the homeless, caring for the sick etc. If they can’t do a simple service because they can’t speak or are hindered in some way, make them do something for the community. Some countries make you join the army for like two, three sometime four years! We whine about a few hours of community service, but it will probably do us all some good… Ok, maybe this one needs to be thought out some more.
Designated Smoke Areas
You’re talking to a former smoker and trust me, I know the allure and pleasure of inhaling lungfulls of that sweet, smoky carcinogen and the effect it has on your noggin’. But now that I quit over four years ago, I’m a fierce anti-smoking advocate. It’s such a stupid and disgusting habit and nothing upsets me more than walking behind someone who’s smoking. It should be illegal to walk and smoke. In some Asian countries like Japan, it’s illegal to walk and smoke—If you want to smoke you have to stand still or be in a designated area. And in Singapore, if you’re not sitting and smoking, you can be fined or arrested. And don’t even think of spitting in Singapore—they cut off your tongue there for chewing gum… ok, that’s a lie, but years ago they flogged an American kid 30 times for random acts of graffiti, so understand they don’t screw around in Singapore. We need similar laws here in the US—maybe not floggings, but... It’s hard to be a smoker now with the laws and the gargantuan prices, but getting stuck behind a trail of second hand smoke is noxious. Designated smoking areas is the only solution.
You’re talking to a former smoker and trust me, I know the allure and pleasure of inhaling lungfulls of that sweet, smoky carcinogen and the effect it has on your noggin’. But now that I quit over four years ago, I’m a fierce anti-smoking advocate. It’s such a stupid and disgusting habit and nothing upsets me more than walking behind someone who’s smoking. It should be illegal to walk and smoke. In some Asian countries like Japan, it’s illegal to walk and smoke—If you want to smoke you have to stand still or be in a designated area. And in Singapore, if you’re not sitting and smoking, you can be fined or arrested. And don’t even think of spitting in Singapore—they cut off your tongue there for chewing gum… ok, that’s a lie, but years ago they flogged an American kid 30 times for random acts of graffiti, so understand they don’t screw around in Singapore. We need similar laws here in the US—maybe not floggings, but... It’s hard to be a smoker now with the laws and the gargantuan prices, but getting stuck behind a trail of second hand smoke is noxious. Designated smoking areas is the only solution.
City dog size restrictions
I love animals and have a big place in my heart for them. I realize there are animal lovers out there who love animals more than people, so they’ll take this the wrong way no matter what... Being a city dweller, there’s nothing worse than seeing a 100 pound dog taking a huge crap while I’m walking to work. Not only is it unpleasant to watch, but unpleasant to smell. The only thing worse is seeing three or four giant dogs crapping in succession—like a chorus line of crapping. Listen, I have a little kid. I see enough crap to stomach for one day. I don’t want to see big dogs dropping huge stink logs on the street, especially when I’m hung over. Dogs bigger than 20 pounds should not be allowed to live in a city unless they’re seeing-eye dogs or for helping mentally traumatized people. Dogs need space to run free and take huge craps—not cooped up all day in a tiny NYC apartment, dying to release their bowels the second you come home. 6:00pm in Manhattan is like a tidal wave of shitting dogs. Small toy dogs are fine. Big sloppy dogs? Not on my sidewalk.
So there’s my list. It’s a good start and I’m sure to have more additions in no time. Feel free to write in and add your own Quality of Life police report.
I love animals and have a big place in my heart for them. I realize there are animal lovers out there who love animals more than people, so they’ll take this the wrong way no matter what... Being a city dweller, there’s nothing worse than seeing a 100 pound dog taking a huge crap while I’m walking to work. Not only is it unpleasant to watch, but unpleasant to smell. The only thing worse is seeing three or four giant dogs crapping in succession—like a chorus line of crapping. Listen, I have a little kid. I see enough crap to stomach for one day. I don’t want to see big dogs dropping huge stink logs on the street, especially when I’m hung over. Dogs bigger than 20 pounds should not be allowed to live in a city unless they’re seeing-eye dogs or for helping mentally traumatized people. Dogs need space to run free and take huge craps—not cooped up all day in a tiny NYC apartment, dying to release their bowels the second you come home. 6:00pm in Manhattan is like a tidal wave of shitting dogs. Small toy dogs are fine. Big sloppy dogs? Not on my sidewalk.
So there’s my list. It’s a good start and I’m sure to have more additions in no time. Feel free to write in and add your own Quality of Life police report.